FINALLY! Someone understands!!!

So, I looked up step-parent websites, and it's just amazing!!! I'm not evil! These articles sum it all up so well:

"Being a childless stepmom entails so many things and it is even more complicated than the complicated issues of a stepmom who has children of her own! Stepmoms as a whole are largely misunderstood by the world that we live in. It is hard for someone who has not walked in our shoes to know how it feels to be treated badly by your husband's kids, his ex and your husband himself. We are pushed into corners, forced to fight for our basic rights such as privacy and sense of belonging. We get married thinking that we will be united with our partner and that he will back us up and expect his kids to treat us with respect. What we get is a load of mistreatment from his kids and his ex and he won't stand up to any of them for us. We are forced to disengage in order to save our sanity. Disengaging makes no logical sense until you have been so badly mistreated and taken advantage of by your "family" that you are backed into a corner and are forced to try disengaging before you kill someone or leave the marriage.

All of that is incredibly difficult and painful. It sends many women screaming from the man that they love. It's more than many of us can take. But when you throw into the mix wanting children so badly and being denied for whatever reason it makes everything so much more complicated and harder for the outsider to understand. Some women marry men who have already had the big "snip" done. Other women marry a man who has been so burned by the ex that they are scared to death to try *that* again (such as is my case). Other women have fertility issues. Other women come into it not wanting children but then decide that they want children with their husband. We all have our own story. Being a childless stepmom is a very painful thing if it was not part of our plan -- and let's be honest here, being a stepmom was in NOBODY'S life plan...much less being a childless stepmom.

It is so incredibly painful from such a deep place in the heart to watch your husband have a relationship with his children while you do not have children of your own and you want them so desparately. Each time they have a birthday it stings because you are reminded of the children that you cannot have birthday parties for. Every Mother's Day is a dreaded and emotional day. Every time that you hear about the ex you are reminded with a painful sting that she shares something very special with your husband that you may never share with him. You feel as though something very big has been stolen from you. Sometimes all that it takes is your stepchild coming for a visit to throw you into a depression. You do everything in your power not to start crying or to go ballistic when people ask when you are going to have children together. That question hurts very deeply.

There is nothing that can make the pain go away. Nobody can give you a magic pill and make everything better. Once we pass childbearing age we will struggle with the loss all over again and everything that we missed: buying baby clothes, first birthday, first steps, first word, getting them ready for their first day of school, being a parent volunteer on their field trips, hosting sleep-overs, helping them get over the first broken heart, helping them get ready for dances, cheering them on at their little leagues and karate classes, graduation, crying when they leave for college, another graduation, first real job, first real place to live on their own, engagement, marriage, and grandchildren. Sure we can share in many of these activities with our husbands children but it just isn't the same. Our stepchildren have a mother already and we know that we are not her. We are quite aware of that and she surely does not let us forget.

We can love our stepchildren, but nothing will ever replace our own biological children in our hearts. I love my stepdaughter and am happy to help her out in any way that I can. I am glad to be a part of her life and I want to be able to give her many great things. But, I am not her mother and I long so deeply for a child of my own. She is an enhancement in my life, but not a replacement for my own children.

There are many ways that being a childless stepmom is different than being a stepmom with children of her own than the pain of not having children. Although for some of us, that is undoubtedly the hardest part of being a childless stepmom. One problem is that it can be very difficult to find people in our lives who understand us and what we go through. Many people think that being a stepparent should fulfill our maternal desires. Anyone who is a childless stepmom knows that nobody can replace the biomom, nobody. Sometimes our stepchildren won't let us forget it, either.

We don't have experience with motherhood, so we aren't able to remember when our own little one went through a similar phase and have a better understanding for the phase. We are also used to our privacy and are not used to having curious little eyes and hands checking out our belongings. Along with this is that stepmoms who have their own biological children are used to what sacrifices are demanded of a parent. A childless stepmom isn't used to a child waking her up in the middle of the night asking for help going to the bathroom or cancelling a fun outing because a child is sick. It is a huge adjustment, especially given that we don't have the benefit of raising our stepkids from birth, everything is new and usually the stepkids have been raised far differently than she would have raised them.

Another thing that many of us don't expect is the criticism that we receive. All eyes are on us and how we react to our stepchildren. Their bioparents are patted on the back when they complain about how awful their children are being, people understand that parents get tired of their kids and that kids can be draining and testing. But we learn a valuable lesson the very first time that we open our mouths and complain about our stepchildren. We are frowned upon and are taken for the evil stepmother if we say anything at all negative about our stepchildren. Somehow we are supposed to be even better and stronger than our stepchildren's biological parents and never be frustrated with them. "

from http://www.geocities.com/childlessstepmoms/childless.html

Now, keep in mind the ENTIRE article does not apply to me. No mistreatment from my stepchild, and the word mistreatment doesn't work for how I'm treated by my husband...I don't feel mistreated by them...just not understood.