Blue is My New Favorite Color

I compartmentalize everything; it's how I deal with life. Can't handle thinking about it right now? Put it in a drawer in your mind and shut the door. Deal with it later. This has worked so well for me. Later, if I choose to, I can open that drawer and then deal...when I'm ready.

Lately, drawers are popping open all by themselves. Drawers I never knew I had...and things inside I thought I had finished caring about. And as much as I try and lock it away, it just opens up.

I was ready to say, "I forgive you," or so I thought. I had thought about doing it, and seemed at peace with it...mostly. I've written countless letters, none of them ever sent, but just to get it all out of me. To say everything I've wanted to say without the fear of crying. I thought I was done with all of this.

Who knew someones choice so very long ago would still effect me today. Why can't I fucking get over it? That's all I want. Not to stew. Not to question. Not to hate so very much.

What was so fundamentally wrong with me that made it so easy? I have ALWAYS wondered this. I continue to wonder this. This comes up. Again and again and again. It spreads into drawers full of things that have absolutely NOTHING to do with it. And it meshes it all together into this overwhelming, uncontrollable mess.

With some people, I try so hard to be just so, to make sure it doesn't happen again. With others , it's the opposite..."Here I am. This is how I'm going to be. You don't like it? Fuck you."

I'm not sure how to end this post. I want it out. And maybe putting out will get it out.

Maybe.